Call me, maybe

My sister lives in a different city now, my mom isn't home often, my friends lead separate lives which only cross mine on occasion and I don't work so I don't speak to colleagues. Therefore I have no one to talk to in the everyday. I'm looking after our neighbours dogs, so I talk to them. Or to the doves and hadedas in the garden. Well, I don't really talk to the birds, I kind of shout at them to stop shitting everywhere. And hadeda poop is this big black stripe in a sea of white which is really off-putting on your tablecloth or chairs or next to the pool.

On occasion I say "Hello" and "Cheque" and "Bye" to the lady at the gym or the lady behind the till somewhere. But conversation has become a thing of rarity, so when I get to speak to real people I want to flood them with words and hear sentences and things that are happening and listen and speak and have a voice that is heard by a human and not merely by animals.

Sure, my mom phones me and I text/whatsapp/email with others, but not really seeing people and interacting with them makes for quite a solitary existence.

Luckily, there is my grandmother. I am not sure if she is worried about me living alone, or if she has forgotten that she called me the previous day, but I have been receiving daily calls to hear how things are going and when I am coming to visit. Maybe she is afraid I will leave and then one of us will die and then, well, we won't have had the chance to speak in person again. I don't really care about the reason she is calling me, I just like hearing a voice which tells me about silly things like the weather or her garden and asks how I am doing. Dankie ouma :)

Look at this cool cat. 

the beast in me

Apparently there is a new trend towards honesty in the blogosphere. Confessions of a Pretoria Chique shared her issues, and here is a whole list of bloggers who decided that now is the time to show more private aspects of themselves. If that is what they feel they need to do, great. If it somehow makes you feel better, brilliant. If thousands comment that they now feel closer to the blogger, or have the same issue, or can relate to this revelation, good for you.

But let's be honest, then. Is it not easier to tell an anonymous hive of users about your feelings than to tell the people in your inner circle? We are terrified of saying, to their faces, the truths about ourselves out of fear of being rejected. Online, this is a non-issue simply because it is not real. Honesty might be real, but the people that read your blog are not flesh-and-blood to you. Their opinion won't enormously affect you. Sure, some people get hounded online and some have even committed suicide as a result ( this article on cyberbullying in South Korea is an example), but to me, it does not have the same effect if PettySharkThief098 calls me a ugly racist bitch or if one of my best friends does it. The reason? You cannot know me simply by reading my blog. This is just a facet, it is just the part of me that I want to represent online.

Sure, I know some of the people that I see on a daily basis do read what I write and that they might connect my stories to conversations we have had or places we have gone to together. But not one them ever comments. I can write ANYTHING I like and no one writes a meaningful comment. My guess it that either my writing is super-boring, the topics are of no meaning to them or, we have talked about this in person, so it is unnecessary to rehash it online. Blogging is like the super-size-me of Twitter, it is an ego-boost in paragraphs and I have no illusions about this being more a project for myself than for anyone else.

I think it is great when people are being more earnest (and this does not equal maliciousness). Previously I have said that in my own family we suffer from a let's-not-talk-about-it disease, so in my mind saying what is on your heart can be a positive release. However, I must admit that some things should be kept to yourself. Not every intimate detail of my life can be shared here. On the one hand, I don't think I am all that interesting, and on the other hand it's like Florence sings, "I like to keep some things to myself". I understand that this was not the task set my the Things-I'm-Afraid-To-Tell-You campaign, that they merely wanted to feel reassured ( and reassure their readers in turn) that everyone has problems and quirks and that it is all perfectly normal.

I just kind of feel like it is a superficial gesture. As I said, if it helped a few people, that is awesome. But everyone will continue posting about clothes and baking and nice photographs and where they went ( and I am not exempting myself from this). People might cheer you on for being honest in a post in between the happy posts. But all my life I have been told I am too honest, that I have no tact, that I should think about what I say before I do so. New people have been pre-warned by my friends that I am "too honest", so they should not be offended by what I say. ( I say WTF ,by the way to that, now).

So here is my lesson learned, fellow bloggers with much larger audiences. Honesty is not what people wish to read about. They find the occasional whiff of it refreshing, but because the news just keeps blasting negativity and corruption and PROBLEMS at us I would bet that most readers just want to quickly glance at beauty and find some inspiration in a dreary day. Hell, this post is probably waaaaay to much reading for most people.


Here are my honesty points for the day:

- I don't know what to do with my arms when I try to fall asleep, so I fold them ( imagine the don't-talk-to-me body language pose).
- I miss my dogs more than any human that has died in my life ( granted, only my grandparents have died and I did not know them well).
- I see my musical taste as being one of my redeeming qualities and will judge you for listening to PitBull ( or similar).
- When I don't have to see anyone over the weekend, I don't wash my hair or wear a bra. It is quite liberating.
- Often, I want to shout at other students that they should stop being fucking idiots. Yes, the F word is needed because most of today's youth is too self-absorbed ( haha says the one who writes as an ego boost) to notice how their idiocy is impacting the world.
-I know I make spelling mistakes, but honestly, I am too lazy to reread what I wrote.

That is all.

To care

I am never entirely sure how personal I can be when blogging. Should I just consider it as a kind of online diary, and write freely? Or is there a need to impose a filter in order not to offend or hurt someone close to me?
By writing about it, could I be making something worse?

There are some situations where I don't know whether or not it would be better to sort it out and talk openly, or whether it is the wiser choice to just shut my mouth and refuse to speak. In my family speaking openly is somehow not often an option. We talk generally, superficially, but when there is an issue, I would like to talk it out, sort it out before moving on, before ignoring that something happened, before pulling the rug straight over years of tiny fights. Somehow it never happens. It is probably my own fault for then not confronting the other party. In film it always looks so easy to talk, it's the influence of series like 7th Heaven (haha, man that was years ago), and now Modern Family, that make sorting shit out seem so effortless.

In any case, here is an advertisement for the Democratic Alliance's student organisation, which has caused some controversy. I think it is quite cool, and certainly an improvement from other political ad campaigns.

via Pantheistic Symphony

For instance, I took this one outside the Greek Orthodox Church near the university. Only problem: barely anyone here speaks Greek, and it sends a message of exclusion rather than inclusion?!

3h

It is strange to think that mostly, each of us considers his or her reactions and doings as 'right' in the moment. Through our upbringing ( or lack thereof), we either agree with the morals we were taught, or rebel against them. But ultimately, don't you think that you are doing 'the right thing'?

I forget that others don't feel the same way I feel about things, that they are not moved by the same reactions, and that they also consider their reactions and choices to be correct, even if they are completely opposed to my ideas of what is right. Perhaps this is the simple reason that the world is quite a fucked up place with fighting between nations and families and corporations and friends and lawyers and spouses and children and and and. We fight because we think we are right, without thinking that the others might be right, too. 

By citing my own inner circle, I am surrounded by people who have inherited the legacy of not talking, of refusing to communicate because "these things should not be discussed", like money or sin or problems in general. There seems to be a shame attached to the discussion of things, an idea that talking about it will cause some rupture and that even uttering a word shows a lack of respect. These restrictions are just stupid to me : open channels of communication and a willingness to discuss the issue at hand calmly are what is needed.