Call me, maybe

My sister lives in a different city now, my mom isn't home often, my friends lead separate lives which only cross mine on occasion and I don't work so I don't speak to colleagues. Therefore I have no one to talk to in the everyday. I'm looking after our neighbours dogs, so I talk to them. Or to the doves and hadedas in the garden. Well, I don't really talk to the birds, I kind of shout at them to stop shitting everywhere. And hadeda poop is this big black stripe in a sea of white which is really off-putting on your tablecloth or chairs or next to the pool.

On occasion I say "Hello" and "Cheque" and "Bye" to the lady at the gym or the lady behind the till somewhere. But conversation has become a thing of rarity, so when I get to speak to real people I want to flood them with words and hear sentences and things that are happening and listen and speak and have a voice that is heard by a human and not merely by animals.

Sure, my mom phones me and I text/whatsapp/email with others, but not really seeing people and interacting with them makes for quite a solitary existence.

Luckily, there is my grandmother. I am not sure if she is worried about me living alone, or if she has forgotten that she called me the previous day, but I have been receiving daily calls to hear how things are going and when I am coming to visit. Maybe she is afraid I will leave and then one of us will die and then, well, we won't have had the chance to speak in person again. I don't really care about the reason she is calling me, I just like hearing a voice which tells me about silly things like the weather or her garden and asks how I am doing. Dankie ouma :)

Look at this cool cat. 

I and the world

cherish your solitude. take trains by yourself
to places you have never been. sleep out alone
under the stars. learn how to drive a stick shift.
go so far away that you stop being afraid of not
coming back. say no when you don't want to do
something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even
if everyone around you disagrees. decide whether
you want to be liked or admired. decide if fitting in
is more important than finding out what you're doing here.
believe in kissing.

even ensler


in berlin i used to get on random metro trains and take them to random stops and then find another way back home. i like discovering places on my own. i like knowing that i can go at life alone, that there is no fear of failure, that there is no fear of the unknown. 


i think often people are afraid to leave the space, the place they are in, for fear of not making it in the world. there is a comfort to home. there is safety in that which one already knows. and don't get me wrong, any new area is daunting, it is scary being alone and having no support system and knowing no one in case of emergency. here i have people to call if my car won't start or my dog dies ( but Spitzi will live for ever so I'm not too worried about the dog part). but in a completely different place there is so much that could go wrong. 


however, it is also exhilarating. it affirms the confidence in the self to have achieved something on your own. and i think it is often rewarded to jump in at the deep end. you find a strength of spirit that you never expected of yourself. one should reward the little achievements of buying a baguette in french for the first time, of making new friends, of going on excursions in your own neighbourhood, of moving forward instead of being caught in comfort. 


the idea of risk does not have to be life-threatening. i don't want to go base jumping or eat that killer-fish that needs to be prepared by licensed chefs. but one should be willing to try something new. take a different road home. listen to country music for a change. accept that your belief is not the only viewpoint. do your hair differently. take time to see a world, differently. 


to me, everything is stranger than fiction. the worlds in my head are just as fascinating as the real one. one just needs to look at it sometimes to realize that every day is something of value. 






*perhaps you noticed, but Spitzi is the only thing in capitals. that is because he got old very suddenly and i want to somehow make him stand out for a second.