Floriography

At some point in high school we were doing The Merchant of Venice. Our teacher was a tall dame nearing retirement. She was always impeccably dressed, with a hint of expensive jewellery. Frau something-or-other was intimidating yet friendly, intent on teaching us to have ambitions whilst also making us appreciate the beauty of the language. 

This day, we were nearing the end of the play, and I knew the scene would come. The one I had heard quoted before, the one I (mis)wrote on my jeans, the one thing Shakespeare wrote besides 'to be or not to be, that is the question' that I can't forget. 

Always these lines: 

SHYLOCK

To bait fish withal: if it will feed nothing else,
it will feed my revenge. He hath disgraced me, and
hindered me half a million; laughed at my losses,
mocked at my gains, scorned my nation, thwarted my
bargains, cooled my friends, heated mine
enemies; and what's his reason? I am a Jew. Hath
not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, organs,
dimensions, senses, affections, passions? fed with
the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject
to the same diseases, healed by the same means,
warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as
a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed?
if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison
us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not
revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we willresemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian,
what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian
wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by
Christian example? Why, revenge. The villany you
teach me, I will execute, and it shall go hard but I
will better the instruction.

The Merchant of Venice,3,i.
  

I would find a way

Child at tuckshop/caravan in Swaziland

At my school we had a Hexenhäuschen (the witch's house from fables) that during break-time would sell square slices of pizza and fizzers and chips and sweets to the primary school. But then it closed, and everyone had to go to the main tuck shop. I found it very intimidating, all these Grade 8s and above.

Tomorrow I go back, and am still intimidated. Damn, school stays with you. In some episode of Modern Family, Mitchell tells Manny that at school, every one wants to fit in. But as soon as we leave school, we want to be seen as individuals and stand out. It is like flipping a switch, where at school cool means being like everyone else, and then, with that Matric/Abi/Bac/whatever diploma in your hands, you suddenly, with all your might, refuse to fit in.

It makes me nervous, because my decently great PowerPoint might be a failure, I might not find my words, or most of all, yes, worst of all, I might realise nothing has changed in six years. You know, the idea that after school, you evolve into the person you were supposed to become, not hindered and stunted by high-school expectations. But what if it never changes, and there is always some hegemony involved which you can never break free of. What if what we were is all we'll ever be, at the core.

While I am reasoning these insecurities out, all I am actually thinking is "Screw that. That was then, this is now, we constantly change and adapt, and (not to be all 'yay, for tomorrow is another day') you can handle anything the world throws at you".

I'll save it for tomorrow

via Warholian on FB

A few of the people I went to school with are married now. Some even have children. They have settled into serious lives with serious jobs and I don't even know what I'm doing next weekend. Or this one, come to think of it. 

It is a strange idea to me how how some people have achieved already what I have kind of pictured to only become part of my life in 10 years or so. If at all. I don't want to change my life right now, I just want the option. Once you've settled it is harder to just pack a suitcase and leave indefinitely.

Congratulations, people-with-plans. When I make some definite ones, I'll tell you all about them. For now, it changes constantly. 

If you are Christian, I wish you a very happy Easter weekend, and may you find tons of chocolate eggs in your garden.