Treading water

The reason I went to France was for writing a short story about my social awkwardness. I posted earlier about going to a party where no one appreciated my wit and talent. But ultimately I should probably thank the party-goers for ignoring me and giving me something to write about.

If you want to read the story, here is the link. However, it's only in French. To make up for this fact this is a link to an article on the event, also in Francais, but with images. Man, in the one image I look like a mountain. Doesn't help that the other two laureates are 9 and 13 years younger than me and always look adorable. You know sometimes you wear things and think you look decent enough, and then, years later, you scroll through old photographs and wonder how you could ever have put that on. I don't feel this way about my wardrobe now, but perhaps I should reconsider. But actually it is funny. I appreciate a good bad photograph.

I make it sound like I am this super-socially-awkward hermit who cannot interact normally with others. I can. Giving tutor classes is no problem, or presenting something, or talking to people I know. But I detest the small-talk one has to make at functions, I hate having to talk to people who have no real interest in me if there is no profit for them. Also, I like discussing topics, events, anything exciting. The emphasis is on discussion. If the other party fails to add anything stimulating to the conversation, I would mostly like to just walk away, but since that is considered rude I fumble with my clothes and hands and words because I feel I need to save the situation, somehow, and it all just becomes very weird and uncomfortable.

Even reading is uncomfortable. 

Tact

I consider myself to be a charming person. Haha. Or not. You will understand as the story progresses:

Yesterday was a great day: my Honours proposal went excellently ( or at least I though so), the French class I had to give did not turn out too badly and before going to a friend's birthday party I got to just chill with a different friend. Up to this point, it was a really great day.

Then I drove to the birthday. Besides the birthday girl I knew one person, who left shortly afterwards. And this is where my social awkwardness really kicks in. A sea of people that I don't know, and don't really want to introduce myself to, because then I would have to ask what they do and explain 'what it is that I do', or rather my directionlessness in life, and then I would have to hear about 'my accent' ( after they find out I am a mudblood of sorts) and 'oh how interesting your life was' ( until I turned 10) and all that nonsense. I does not help that I keep saying, "Well, this is awkward."

BUT IT IS. Even the word is a strange melange of sounds that don't really fit together. And all the little hipsters weren't too keen on letting me into their circle of cool, so then I stand around, fiddling around with my empty wine glass, not wanting to be rude and get the hell out of there, because after all there might be something showing on TV.

I try to talk to people. It is this new thing I am doing where I try to be nice, and open myself up to more opportunities. It does not work out as planned. People are just soooooo excruciatingly boring. And I can't remember their names. Everyone looks the same, they all know each other, they talk about people I don't know, they close the standing circles and ultimately I stop trying, say my goodbyes and am happy to jump into my car.

It it not my friend's fault. At birthdays it it always a mission to mix different friends and crowds. People come for you and then you don't have the time for every one and every time you talk to someone it feels a bit rushed because you need to be a good host and keep everyone happy. Pff.

The lesson learned: don't say "this is awkward" so many times, and don't try to make new friends. Let them come to you. If no one will come, there is always 7de Laan or Vampire Diaries on TV to keep you company.