Measurements

* “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

Done done done

I wrote my last exam today. Now it is just waiting for the results and then whambam, I have my BA. It feels unrealistic, because I have always thought that I would never stop studying. I'm continuing next year, but it is not real to me that others will go out and find jobs and lead adult lives. The whole idea of a job and an little apartment and working 9-5 and living, separate, it does not appeal to me. I like studying. The whole being-without-money part of it is not ideal, but if I had to choose between studying for ever or working for ever, I choose the former.

I am too exhausted from all the exams and marking and people wanting something to write anything that sounds intelligent.

So here is a Christmas-related song. This is Smith & Burrows with When the Thames froze. ( Tom Smith from Editors and Andy Burrows from Razorlight/I am Arrows/We are Scientists.

How to quit a friendship

This is an idea that has been bothering me for a while: one can break-up with a boy/girlfriend, one can separate from or divorce one's husband/wife, one can quit one's job, one can cancel one's gym subscription, one can end almost any contract.

But not friendship. There is no real way of breaking up with a friend, of saying "I can have no more of this in my life", without seeming like a complete drama llama. And with friendships it could always be too early to end it. There is always the possibility of the friendship just being at a rough spot, at being stuck in limbo, and one would not want to lose out on someone's role in one's life for that alone. Everything can change.

However, it could also change for the worse. People move, people evolve, and yes, people do change. After a while of having no interaction, of only stalking one another on facebook, there is just nothing left to say.

I would like it if in life, one could move someone from the friends circle to the acquaintance circle. I would like it if I could tell you, listen, you have disappointed me one too many times. I no longer want to be part of your life. Friendship is a two-way street and I seem to be in a cul-de-sac with ours.

Naturally, you would have the same right. You could say, listen, you and I are no more. I eliminate you from my life. It was nice while it lasted. It's not you, it's me. I need to move on. We are just not good for each other.

Now I ask you, reader, how do you break up with your friend? Because I want it to be known. I want the friend to know why I am leaving him/her. Why the time invested is not worth the outcome any more. I don't want us to just drift further apart and then have to exchange awkward "Happy Birthday"-smses or have to ask him/her how he/she is when we do meet again, if ever.

I want to tell the person: listen, I tried. I tried communication, but you blocked all channels. I tried giving you space, but there was no return from it. I tried moving on, and just ignoring past attachment, but somehow, a clean break would be preferable. I want to know that everyone is alright separately.

I think leaving a friend is so hard because friends are the family of choice. And one does not want to have made the wrong choice. Furthermore, a family is for life. So perhaps the chosen family should be, too. I expect my friends to be there, just as I am for them.

Perhaps the crux is that I should accept it is over and not make a big deal out of it. Just move on. Just accept that some friendships are momentary, and appreciate the moment.

So maybe I will tell you this. Maybe you will read this. If you do, know that it was a pleasure having you in my life, that you were integral to my youth, but that now, I wish you a happy future, sans moi. I am placing you in the  past. Haha, I think you already categorized me there.


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