over achiever

Sometimes I cannot handle the weight of my own expectations. Sometimes I think I cannot do something, cannot achieve what I have wanted, cannot get past a failure. Sometimes the self-doubt is greater than the totality of a wondrous ( wander-ous?!) life.

Sometimes I make the mistake of seeing me the way you do, and then I think this is all I am. Sometimes you make me feel like this could be me:

Use the truth as a weapon to beat up all your friends
Any chink in the armour an excuse to cause offence
 ( from the Swell Season's In These Arms).

But after wallowing in self-pity, I think most people move on. There is nothing else to be done. Change what you can, but do not become obsessed with the things you wanted to do but never could. With losses and disappointments. Either try again, or try something new. There is plenty more you could excel at.

Today might be slightly to personal to share with the Internet. Today I am emo without the excessive fringe. Today I feel betrayed by circumstance. Today I feel like the uncontrollability of existence is too overwhelming. Today I am Carrion Comfort ( Gerard Manley Hopkins):

NOT, I’ll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast on thee;
Not untwist—slack they may be—these last strands of man
In me ór, most weary, cry I can no more. I can;
Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose not to be.
But ah, but O thou terrible, why wouldst thou rude on me	5
Thy wring-world right foot rock? lay a lionlimb against me? scan
With darksome devouring eyes my bruisèd bones? and fan,
O in turns of tempest, me heaped there; me frantic to avoid thee and flee?
Why? That my chaff might fly; my grain lie, sheer and clear.
Nay in all that toil, that coil, since (seems) I kissed the rod,	10
Hand rather, my heart lo! lapped strength, stole joy, would laugh, chéer.
Cheer whom though? the hero whose heaven-handling flung me, fóot tród
Me? or me that fought him? O which one? is it each one? That night, that year
Of now done darkness I wretch lay wrestling with (my God!) my God.

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